I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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