I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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