I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
