i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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