well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
