I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
