So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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