I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
