Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
