i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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