The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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