I met the friendliest cop last night
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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