remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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