I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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