You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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