i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
