I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
