Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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