Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
