Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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