JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
