my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
