Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
