I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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