Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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