I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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