you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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