I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I puked a lego.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
