I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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