i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
