It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
