i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
