I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
