Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
