life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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