Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
