I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
