the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
