White coat. Heels.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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