I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
