I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
