I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize