i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
