If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
