and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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