Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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