He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
