Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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