fuck your aforementioned shoe
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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