You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
