After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just gargled with NyQuil
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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