Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
