sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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