"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
