If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
