I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
