it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
