saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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