He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My penis needs a shock collar
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
